


When All Your Sins are Washed Away

by PastelMess



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Attempted Murder, Blood and Gore, I'm very sorry, M/M, Murder, ghost!tyler, halloween fic 2017, it's angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 12:18:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12365637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelMess/pseuds/PastelMess
Summary: "Come back," Josh whispers hoarsely, "please, come back."Tyler is gone.





	When All Your Sins are Washed Away

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy here I am with the Halloween fic for 2017. I actually have a couple others I'd like to post if I can get around to finishing them, so keep your eye out for that!
> 
> This is sad. Very sad. And I am so, so sorry.

_ When your best friend dies, something changes inside of you. A part of you breaks, your heart snaps, and a piece of you dies along with your friend. Life seems impossible to continue on. You can’t get out of bed, can’t go to work, can’t eat. You feel like every day is one more day closer to your own death. Because really, you just want to be with him. Want to hear him laugh. Hear him sing. Hear him crack jokes and burp and talk about how much he could go for a burrito right now. _

Josh lets his pen clatter to the table and leans back in his chair. He takes a moment to rub at his face, to wipe away his tears and collect himself. His therapist said writing down how he felt would help him recover faster, but it had already been six months, and Josh still hadn’t recovered from the death of his best friend.

At 3:56 am in the morning, Tyler was found dead in his and Jenna’s Ohio home, having suffered multiple wounds. Someone had broken into their house and hacked him to death with a cleaver, and then killed themselves on Tyler's front lawn. Jenna had miraculously survived, despite also having been stabbed as well. Josh had been in L.A. that week, visiting friends.

News outlets called the event a tragedy. Musicians left their condolences on Twitter. Fans grieved for the loss of an idol. Josh went through several sessions of intensive therapy, many meetings with Tyler’s family, and several visits to see Jenna in the hospital. Tyler’s funeral was long and painful to endure. Josh shed a lot of tears that day and several days after. It was hard for him to comprehend that Tyler was actually gone.

Josh soon retreated into hiding in his apartment, avoiding texts, friends, and news reporters. It hurt. It hurt a goddamn lot.

He hadn’t talked with Jenna since the funeral six months ago. Josh had barely left his apartment, only going for his therapy appointments and the occasional shopping trip for food. Josh knew how disgusting and gross he was. He barely showered, barely changed clothes, and barely left the comfort of his bed. He isolated himself from everyone he knew, even his own family, besides the “update” texts in which he promised his family and friends that he was dead nor that he was planning on harming himself.

The longer Josh stares at his journal sitting in front of him, the worse he feels. He thinks back to his last session with Dr. Weech.

_ “Are you still having nightmares, Joshua?” _

_ Josh picks at his fingernails. They are bitten to stubs. “Yes.” _

_ “What about flashbacks?” _

_ “Yes.” He swallows and blinks back some tears. “I keep seeing his body, covered in blood and hacked into some kind of unrecognizable person.” _

_ The doctor scrawls down something. “Did you ever see Tyler’s body?” _

_ “No. The police had pictures, but they wouldn’t let me look. And his funeral was closed casket because his wounds were too severe for them to cover up. I keep having this nightmare where I’m standing in his bedroom, bound to the corner by some unknown force, and I keep screaming for him to run, but he can’t hear me. And then...” Josh shakes his head. This is all too much for him, and his voice cracks. Finally, the tears start to run. “I have to watch this murderer hack Tyler to death with a fucking cleaver.” _

_ “How does that make you feel?” _

_ “How do you fucking think that makes me feel?” Josh glares at him with tears glistening on his cheeks. “I can barely sleep. I miss him so much. I feel like this isn’t real, you know? That I’ll wake up tomorrow, and it was all a dream. Or I’ll get a text from him. I don’t know. It’s just... it’s so hard.” _

_ “Have you contacted his wife since we last spoke? Like you said you were going to?” _

_ Josh guiltily shakes his head. “No. I tried, but I chickened out. I... I can’t.” _

_ “What about your family?” _

_ “Just a text to tell them I’m fine.” _

_ “Are you taking your medicine and using the coping skills we’ve practiced?” a nod. “Have you touched your drumset? I know you were telling me last time about wanting to try and play again.” _

_ “Yeah, uh... no. That never happened.” Josh rubs his neck. “I can’t find it in myself to do these things. I rev myself up only to get home and fail.” _

_ He scribbles some more things down. “That’s understandable, Josh. The death of a loved one, especially one so gruesome, is always difficult. Time heals slowly but surely.” _

_ Josh sighs. “I just wish I could be passed this already. I wish I could jump to six years from now when things are fine. I don’t know what I’m going to do, or where my career is going to go. Tyler was the backbone of the band. I can’t do anything without him. It wouldn’t be fair. It just wouldn’t.” His tears are falling harder now and he shoves his head into his hands. “God, I miss him so much.” _

_ Dr. Weech sets his stuff to the side and reaches out to rest his hand comfortably on top of Josh’s. “I’m so sorry this happened. I wish I could take your pain away from you and bring him back. Unfortunately, we can’t do that. We can only move forward from here.” _

_ Josh squeezes the doctor’s hand back and nods his head. “Can I have a tissue?” _

_ “Of course.” Dr. Weech hands him a kleenex and leans back in his chair. _

Josh stands up from the table, stretches, and pads into the kitchen to eat something. He’s not very hungry, but he’s been forcing himself to eat at least something each meal to avoid dying. He’s starting to turn into skin and bone, and he’s sure the beard and wild hair isn’t helping either. He probably looks like a madman.

After pouring himself a small bowl of cereal, Josh sits back down at the table and stares into his sea of  _ Reese’s Puffs. _ He thinks back to when he and Tyler would sit around in their dressing room, eating junk food and cracking jokes. He thinks about Tyler’s smile.

The buzz of his phone pulls him back into the real world and he’s surprised to see he has a text from Jenna.

_ Hey, Josh. I know we haven’t spoken in a while and there’s a perfectly valid reason for it. I’m going through Tyler’s stuff and found some things I think he’d want you to have. I’m moving from this house, finally. I just can’t stand to be anywhere near it anymore. _

Josh rereads the text about ten times before he sets his phone down. Jenna was moving. She had some of Tyler’s things for him. Oh, man, he was starting to tear up again. The idea of seeing Tyler’s untouched stuff was so surreal, but going back to Ohio... was too hard. Stepping foot inside Tyler’s home would be too hard. 

He ignores Jenna’s text and goes back to eating his cereal.

-

That night, Josh gets a phone call. Delirious and groggy, he rolls over for his phone and answers without checking the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Josh. You have to go back to Ohio.”

Suddenly wide awake, Josh sits up and pulls his phone away from his ear. The caller ID reads “unknown,” and there’s an uneasy feeling in his chest. “Who is this?”

“Jenna needs you.  _ I  _ need you.”

“Okay, who the fuck is this?”

“Josh, it’s me.”

He freezes. No, that’s impossible. “That’s... that’s not possible.” Josh’s voice comes out in a whisper.

“You can’t keep ignoring everyone.”

“I don’t know who this is, but it’s a really shitty thing that you’re doing, pretending to be a dead man. Leave me the fuck alone.” Josh ends the call and slams his phone down on his bedside table. He leans back against his pillows and takes a deep breath as he lets his hands cover his face. Who on earth would call him pretending to be Tyler? That was so fucked up.

He wants to call his therapist. He wants to curl up into a ball and cry for a little while.

Instead, when the morning comes, Josh finds himself on a plane to Columbus with nothing but a backpack full of clothes. He honestly can’t believe he’s doing this all because of a stupid prank call, but seeing Jenna again does sound nice, and will probably be good for him.

Josh is already on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about being back in Ohio. Flashbacks to his time in the police station, answering questions, and standing around in the pouring rain while Tyler’s body was lowered six feet into the ground pierce his mind. Josh runs a hand through his hair as he speed walks through the airport. He counts to ten, trying to distract himself from the pressure building in his chest.

When he gets into his Uber, Josh calls Jenna. He taps his fingers nervously on his thigh as the phone rings. 

“Josh. It’s so good to get a call from you.”

“H-Hi Jenna,” his voice cracks, “I, uhm, are you at home?”

“No, I’m staying in a hotel. Why?”

“I’m...” he takes a deep breath, “I’m in Ohio.”

“Oh!” There’s surprise in her tone. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way to your house right now. Sorry I never texted you back, I just, I sort of did this on a whim.”

“It’s okay, Josh. I understand. Honestly. You’ll probably make it to the house before I do, so, there’s a key underneath the mat.”

“Why are you staying in a hotel?”

“I...” she sighs. “I can’t stand to be in that house anymore. I was told that returning to my normal life would be best, but it’s too difficult. I still see him sometimes, walking around, writing, playing piano.” Josh can tell she’s crying. He feels like he might do that soon as well. “I just need a fresh start. I’m gonna stay with my parents for a little while I search for a new apartment out of state.”

“No more Ohio?”

“Nope. Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

Jenna hangs up, and Josh looks out the window. His Uber driver shifts in his seat and glances at him through the rearview mirror. “Everything okay, son?”

“Huh?” Josh turns his neck just enough to see the driver. “Oh. Uhm, yeah, I’m great.”

-

When he arrives at Tyler’s home, Josh stands on the edge of the property and tries to bring himself to the present. He forgets about his racing mind, takes a deep breath, and steps into the grass. Josh has to continuously remind himself to focus on the now and not think about the past. He can do this. 

At the porch, Josh pulls the key out from under the welcome mat and jams it into the lock, taking one more deep breath before he pushes in. The front door creaks as he steps over the threshold and slams shut behind him. Josh jumps and curses under his breath. The house is empty, even if it is making a lot of unsettling noises.

To his left are three overstuffed boxes with his name scrawled in sharpie on them. Josh chuckles sadly to himself as he sits down on the floor and reaches for the first one. Inside he finds all kinds of stuff: leatherbound notebook after leatherbound notebook, pictures of Tyler and him, ukulele strings, their Grammy. Josh’s smile grows bigger as he starts going through the old pictures of Tyler. God, he misses his best friend so much.

He sniffles as he sets the pictures to the side and continues going through boxes. He finds some of Tyler’s ukuleles, his copy of  _ Regional at Best,  _ some letters the two exchanged when they had very first met. Josh reaches for the ukulele Tyler often used on stage and plucks at the untuned strings. His heart aches as they ring out.

Out of the corner of his eye, Josh sees a shadow. He looks up, staring down the hallway, as an uneasy pit forms in his stomach. With a frown, Josh sets the uke down and stands up, taking a few tentative steps forward.

“Hello?” His voice echoes in the practically empty house. “Jenna, is that you?” 

There’s no reply. Josh assumes his mind is playing tricks on him, and he moves to sit back down on the carpet. He’s stopped again when a creak comes from the kitchen. There was no way that was the house settling; it definitely came from a person.

“Hey!” Josh stomps around the corner with his fists raised, ready to strike if there’s an intruder. Strangely enough, the kitchen is empty. With a frown, Josh leans against the wall. There are some boxes sitting on the counter marked  _ kitchen supplies  _ and  _ dishes. _

Josh forces himself to come back to the now as he closes his eyes and counts to ten.  _ You’re paranoid, Josh. Everything is okay. _

One of the boxes slides off the counter and lands loudly on the floor. Josh hits his head on the wall in fright as he scrambles as far away from the box as possible. He glances around, looking to see if any windows are open, but all of them are locked tight. Even if there had been a breeze, that box was far too heavy to fall on its own.

Slowly Josh tiptoes out of the kitchen and back into the living room, where the ukulele he had been messing with has mysteriously disappeared. Okay, something strange was definitely going on. He takes another few seconds to collect himself before soft, ukulele music starts playing, like someone is plucking gently at the strings. Josh freezes.

“I’m crazy,” he mutters under his breath repeatedly. “I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy.”

The music stops, and a loud crash comes from upstairs. Josh doesn’t want to go up there, but he knows he has to. Whoever is in the house is an intruder, and Josh needs to get them out. He looks around for some kind of weapon before deciding on another ukulele. That could definitely knock someone out, right?

Quietly, Josh climbs the stairs, pausing every time one makes the slightest sound. When he finally reaches the second floor, Josh raises the ukulele over his shoulder and takes short, patient steps down the hallway until he reaches the master bedroom. He tries to avoid thinking about how that room was where Tyler was murdered, but fails. Chills run down his spine as he stands outside the room.

He needs to get this piece of shit out. He needs to do this for Tyler.

Josh counts to three under his breath before kicking the door open. He swings the ukulele through thin air and spins in a circle.

The room is empty, except for the ukulele in the corner. Josh shakes his head in fright. He needs to get out of here. Something is not right.

After grabbing the ukulele from the corner, Josh turns around to exit, and finds Tyler standing in the doorway. He screams. He screams louder than he has ever screamed in his life and tumbles to the ground, both ukuleles clanging loudly down next to him.

Josh shoves his head in between his knees, grips the sides of his head, and squeezes his eyes shut.  _ He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not real. _

He sits there, rocking back and forth with tears rolling down his cheeks for about five minutes, and when he opens his eyes, Tyler is gone. Josh sniffs and pushes off the carpet. “He’s not real,” he whispers out loud. Josh tries to be as brave as he picks up Tyler’s ukes and cradles them to his chest as he descends the stairs. They are put gently back in the box.

Josh turns around again. Tyler is standing there once more, his body mutilated, covered in giant gashes from the cleaver and dripping with blood. Josh scrambles towards the front door, still screaming, and runs smack into Jenna.

“Josh! What’s wrong?” She grabs him tightly by the shoulders and tries to stop him from pulling away.

“We need to go, we need to go right now--”

“Josh! Stop!” He stops fighting and slouches. Jenna pulls him into a hug right as he breaks down into sobs. She strokes his back and whispers, “It’s okay Josh, it’s okay. Shhh, there, there, I’m right here. That's right, you're safe now.”

“We have to go,” Josh cries into her shoulder, “we have to go.”

“What happened?”

“Tyler.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” She grips him tighter. “I know it's hard. I miss him too.”

“No,” Josh pulls away and points harshly towards the house, “he's  _ in  _ there, all, covered in blood, and, and--”

“Hey,” she sticks her hands out, “it’s not him. I promise. Come on, I'll go in with you.”

“He knocked boxes over.” Josh follows uneasily as Jenna enters through the front door. He sticks close to her, much to frightened to be on his own.

“What boxes?”

“The ones in the...” Josh trails off as they enter the kitchen, only to find that both boxes were back on the counter, untouched. “Kitchen.”

“These ones? I have to take these to the car.” She reaches for the first one and sets it gently on the floor, repeating with the second. Josh only stares. He knows one fell. Things broke. 

“Look inside,” he demands. Jenna looks up.

“The boxes?”

“Yeah.”

She does. Nothing is broken. Josh reaches for the wall to hold himself as he reviews this information. Is he crazy?

“I... I swear, he...” He can feel himself panicking again. 

“Hey hey hey,” Jenna soothes him again, “It's okay, Josh. I’ve seen him too. It's just our brains, playing tricks on us. It’s not real.”

“Fuck,” Josh mutters shaking his head. “I miss him so much.”

She sighs. “I miss him too. Sometimes, I wish that piece of shit had killed me too, just so I could be with him right now.”

“It’s not fair. We don’t... we know nothing about the murderer. We don’t know his motive, or his reasoning, or if he even fucking knew who you both were. It’s so fucked up. All of this.”

“The police are looking into it--”

“Are they though? The police don’t seem to be doing anything. It’s been six months, Jenna. Six months. Nothing has changed.”

“It takes time. We might not know anything until years from now. They have to search his house, contact his family, figure out who he was as a person.”

“He’s a piece of shit is what he is!” Josh feels like punching the wall. Anger is brewing inside of him like a massive storm. “I’d fucking kill him myself all over again! He fucking-- He took my best friend away from me!” He breaks down again and finds himself sobbing on the floor. Jenna sinks down with him, pulling him into another tight hug. There are tears streaming down her face too.

“He took my husband away from me, Josh. He tried to take my life from me. I know it’s hard. I’m struggling just as much as you are, but we have to keep moving forward. It’s what Tyler would have wanted.”

“I should have been here,” Josh’s hands are shaking violently, “I should have stayed in Ohio. I shouldn’t have gone back to Los Angeles--”

“What would you have done? It still would have happened, regardless of where you were. It’s not your fault. Don’t put that blame on yourself.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I know.” She holds him protectively, letting him cry until he runs out of tears. Jenna then pats him supportively on the back and helps him stand up. “Come on, Dun. Let’s get this stuff packed up, and then we can go get some breakfast, okay? Food is something we both can use right now.”

He nods.

-

Josh checks into the same hotel Jenna is currently staying in. He stares at the boxes stacked against the window, full of Tyler’s things. With a sigh, Josh pulls his pill bottle out of his backpack and shakily dumps two into the palm of his hand. He swallows them dry before collapsing down on his bed. Josh stares at the ceiling long and hard, hoping that he might magically find the answers to all his problems like some sort of twisted fortune. Unfortunately, he finds none.

A chime from his phone takes his attention away from the ceiling. Josh has a text from an unknown number that reads  _ Thank you for taking care of her. _

Josh practically flies off his bed and out of the room to show the text to Jenna. His heart slams aggressively against his ribcage as he pounds on her door.

“What’s wrong?”

“Look,” he shoves his phone into her hands and points to the text message. “‘Thank you for taking care of her.’”

Jenna reads the message and looks up at Josh quizzically. “I don’t understand.”

“You’re her.”

A sigh. “Josh--”

“I’m not crazy. I got a phone call too, telling me that I had to go to Ohio. Someone is either stalking us, or it’s him.”

“It’s not him, Josh. You have to let it go.”

In fury, Josh rips his phone from Jenna’s hands. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Her eyes widen. “Josh--”

“How are you so okay with all of  _ this? _ Tyler is fucking  _ dead _ and you’re acting like he’s only gone for a couple years. Why are you so willing to just move on?”

“Because I’m not going to sit here and wallow in the grief of my dead husband! I’m going to move on with my life! I’m sorry that I’m not moping around and crying every two seconds like you are.”

Josh scoffs. “You’re a real piece of work, Jenna.” He turns on his heel and returns to his room, where he breaks down into another round of tears.

He gets another text.

_ Sorry, wrong number. _

-

Later that night, Josh goes back to Tyler’s house. He bids the Uber driver goodbye and waits for him to leave before trudging through the grass. His hands shake nervously as he unlocks the door and steps inside. Josh isn’t quite sure why he’s back here, especially after the events of today, but he needs to see if any of this is real, or if he really is going insane.

He closes his eyes and stands still, listening to the creaking of the house around him. A door slams upstairs.

Josh grins.  _ Got you, bitch. _

He runs to the second floor, taking the stairs two at a time to reach the hallway. Out of the corner of his eye, someone moves to his right. Josh rounds the corner and freezes when he sees Tyler standing at the end of the hallway. He moves quickly, but by the time he reaches the door, Tyler is gone.

“Dammit,” he mutters under his breath, sinking his fingers into his hair. “Am I crazy?”

Josh’s phone vibrates. He pulls it out of his pocket to find a text that simply reads,  _ No, you aren’t crazy. _

He falls to his knees and breaks out into uncomfortable, nervous laughter. “Goddammit Tyler. You always have to be cryptic, don’t you?”

His phone vibrates again. This time, it’s a direct message from Tyler’s twitter that says,  _ That’s who I am, right? _

Josh is laughing again. He feels like a lunatic. He feels crazy. No, he feels absolutely  _ insane. _ Maybe he’s dreaming. Maybe he never left the hotel. Josh pinches himself, only to realize that this is  _ all _ real. He feels like screaming.

This time, his phone rings. It’s from that same unknown number. Josh hikes his knees to his chest and answers with a breathless, “Hello?” 

“Josh.” It feels like the elephant sitting down on his chest finally walks off. Josh would recognize that voice from anywhere.

“You love fucking with me, don’t you?”

Tyler laughs. “I can’t make this too easy, can I?”

“Is this actually you?”

“In the flesh. Well, in the voice, I guess.”

“How are you doing this?”

A pause. “I can’t tell you.”

Josh scoffs. He’s crying again. “God, I miss you so much.”

“Hey, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t live without you, Ty. I’m a fucking mess.”

“Josh.” His voice doesn’t come from over the phone this time. Tyler stands in front of him, wearing the exact pair of pajamas he was wearing when he was killed. There isn’t a spot of blood to be seen as he crouches down and reaches out to wipes Josh’s tears away. Josh reaches for Tyler’s hand.

He’s solid. He’s here.

“How?” asks Josh in a breathy whisper. Tyler smiles sadly.

“I don’t know.” 

Josh shakes his head. “It’s not fair.”

“I know.” Tyler squeezes his hand. “You can stay here all night with me, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

“I would have thought you’d be transparent or something.” He forces a smile, causing Tyler to laugh. God, it’s so great to hear him laugh again. Youtube videos of their past concerts along with the videos of Tyler's youtube channel didn’t do his laugh justice.

“Only if I don’t want to be seen. But I want you to see me. I want you to know I’m here, okay? Don’t cry.” He’s still holding Josh’s hand. Josh glances down and traces the veins that run across the back of Tyler’s hand. “Remember that time we tattooed our names onto each other on stage?”

Josh sniffs and nods his head. “Yeah.”

Tyler pushes his sweatpants down enough for Josh to see his name still scrawled across Tyler’s thigh. “It’s still here. Is yours?”

It was, even though Josh tried to avoid looking at it at all costs. He nods again, and lets Tyler push his joggers up above his knee. Tyler’s hands are cold against his bare skin as he traces the letters of his name.

“Looks good,” he whispers.

Josh looks at him. It’s Tyler,  _ actually _ Tyler, sitting right there in front of him. He feels like crying out of joy instead of his usual sorrow. “Can you leave the house? And come back to the hotel with me? We can tell Jenna--”

“No,” Tyler interrupts, looking coldly at Josh for a few seconds before his face softens. “No, you can’t tell anyone about me, okay? I need you to look after Jenna for me.”

“Why not? Why would you show yourself to me but not to her?”

“I’ve tried, but she’s always put me off. And now she’s moved on. She had the strength to do that on her own. I’m here to help you move on.”

He isn’t sure why, but Tyler’s words hurt. Josh pulls away from Tyler’s gasp and scoots back. “Help me  _ move on? _ Tyler, you were  _ murdered! _ I don’t understand how anyone has moved on! It’s been six months and everyone is completely fine! I just don’t get it!”

“They know there’s nothing that can be done. Yeah, it hurts when someone dies. When my grandma passed away, I was heartbroken, but returned to life. You can’t just give up because I’m not there next to you anymore.”

Josh shakes his head. “No. You don’t get it. For the past eight years, you are all I’ve known. The band--”

“Can continue without me--”

“NO IT FUCKING CAN’T!” Josh screams, fury running through his veins. He clenches his fists and forces himself to take a deep breath. “I’m not a singer, Tyler. I’m not an entertainer. I play the drums and I keep to myself. I’m not going to go on tour ever again.”

Tyler doesn’t reply. He looks around the hallway briefly, distracted by something unknown. “Could you try to get back into music? At least for me?”

“It’s too hard,” Josh is crying again, and he knows he looks like a big idiot, but he can’t help it. “I can’t do it without you.”

Tyler disappears and reappears directly in front of Josh. His hands reach for Josh’s waist and he holds him gently. “J. I know you can because you are one of the most driven people I have ever met. You meant the world to me. You  _ still _ mean the world to me. I need you to go back to doing what you love.”

“If I die, I’ll be with you. I can stay here with you.”

“Josh, no.” He’s stern. Tyler’s hands move up to cup Josh’s jaw. “Look at me.”

Josh does. Even his eyes are the same. His beautiful, deep eyes.

“Do you remember back in 2011, when we were playing one of our first festivals, just you and me? And we stayed in that tent.”

“Yeah. Mark was in the tent next to us.” Josh couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken with Mark. It probably hadn’t been since the funeral.

“We were laying, side by side, with our legs tangled together. It was nearing three in the morning, and I asked if you were awake.”

“We talked about our future for the band.”

“And I paused. There was something I wanted to say but never did. Something I wanted to do, but never did.” Tyler smiles. “I wanted to say that I was in love with you.”

Josh doesn't respond right away, because Tyler’s words don’t really click with him. That night runs through his head, trying to figure out when Tyler could have brought this up. 

He remembers.

_ “How long do you think we can keep this band thing up?” asks Josh as he turns onto his side to better face Tyler. Tyler smiles. _

_ “I’m ready to keep it up for as long as I live if you are.” _

_ “Yeah, I think I could do that.” He rolls onto his back and sighs happily. “I love playing shows with you, man. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind doing this the rest of my life. I don’t even care if not that many people know about us. As long as you’re with me, I’m game.” _

_ “I’m really glad you came in here and saved my ass, dude. I thought I was going to have to stop before I even began. And honestly, you are like, the nicest person I’ve ever met.” _

_ “I think you’re super cool as well.” _

_ “I...” Tyler trails off. Josh hadn’t questioned it at the time. “I, uhm, just, thank you.” _

_ “Yeah, anytime.” _

“You were in love with me?” Josh blinks.

“Yeah,” Tyler admits. “I was. For the longest time. I just figured it wouldn’t be good for the band, and so I never brought it up. I moved on.”

“Oh, Tyler.” Tears slip over his eyelids. “Oh,  _ Tyler.” _

“I know this might be a bad time, considering I’m like... dead, but I wanted you to know. And I want to try something. Is that okay?” Josh nods. Of course it’s okay. He would do anything for Tyler.

“Okay,” Tyler whispers, sliding his hands back down to Josh’s waist. He leans in, and suddenly, they’re kissing. Tyler is so,  _ so _ cold, but in a strange way, it feels  _ good. _ It’s a different kind of kiss, one that creates butterflies in Josh’s stomach and makes him pull Tyler closer and never let him go. His lips are soft, gentle, and there’s a hint of mint on his breath. Josh doesn’t question why. He doesn’t think about anything, but Tyler is here, in his arms, after six,  _ long _ months.

But Tyler’s gone. Tyler has been gone for a long time, and Josh isn’t even quite sure if this, any of this, is real. He could be hallucinating. Maybe he did drugs. Maybe Josh was just  _ crazy. _

He pulls away, already on the brink of another mental breakdown. “We can’t do this.” Josh’s entire body is shaking like a tree during a hurricane. He feels like puking. “Tyler, you aren’t real.”

“I swear I’m real, J. I’m stuck in this house for reasons unknown and all I want is for you to be happy. Please.”

“Jenna. You’re married to Jenna, Tyler.”

“Was married,” he corrects. “She’s moved on. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“I can’t,” Josh’s voice isn’t even at a whisper now. It’s breathy and frantic. “All of this. It’s only making things worse.”

“Hey,” Tyler reaches out for Josh’s shoulders once more. “I get it, okay? It’s been hard on you. You need physical, tangible proof that you aren’t going insane. I understand that.” He smiles. “Let’s get you back to the hotel, okay?”

Josh agrees.

-

He wakes up the next morning with no recollection of how he got back to the hotel. There’s a pounding at the door.

“Josh! It’s Jenna! Open up!”

Groggily rubbing at his eyes, Josh pulls back the covers and stumbles to the front door. Jenna is standing there, still in her pajamas, with her arms crossed. She doesn’t look happy.

“What?”

“Explain this, please.” She thrusts her phone in front of his face. Josh squints. It’s the old twenty one pilots Twitter account that hadn’t been used in a long time. Josh had turned everything black and tweeted out one single tweet:

 

_ I’m so sorry. _

 

It had been all over music headlines, but it wasn’t like there was anything they could do. However, that isn’t the most recent tweet pulled up. The most recent was posted early this morning, and reads:

 

_ I promise I’m real. _

 

Josh’s stomach drops. He thinks about last night, with Tyler.

It was real. All of it was real.

“Josh! What is this?” Jenna’s demands grow more hurried.

“I must have gotten drunk last night,” he lies, hoping it’s convincing enough. “I don’t remember tweeting.”

“You should delete this. It’s not right.”

“I know.” a nod. “I’ll delete it immediately.”

“Thank you.” Jenna turns to leave and Josh stops her with a loud “Wait!”

She pauses, pivoting back to face him. Josh sighs. “I’m sorry for being such a dick. You didn’t deserve that.”

Her shoulders relax. “Thank you, Josh.”

He watches her leave and then pulls the tweet back up on his phone.  _ I promise I’m real. _

Tyler isn’t gone.

-

Josh goes back to the house that night. Jenna and he had gone out for dinner to discuss the rest of Josh’s trip out here and what Jenna was going to do with the house.

There was an open house on Sunday, but Jenna said the housing market wasn’t doing so well at the moment. It also didn't help that they were forced to disclose that there had been a murder in the household. Not even her real estate agent was hopeful it would be able to sell right off the bat, which was pretty unfortunate. Although Jenna did get a significant amount of money from Tyler’s passing, she was trying to be frugal about things in case she ever did settle down and have a family in the future.

Josh knew the perfect way of helping her out. He was going to buy the house, and live there for a while. That way, he could see Tyler every day.

“Tyler?” he whispers, tiptoeing through the house. Josh feels like he has an obligation to not disturb the silence, even if no one is there. “It’s Josh.”

Nothing. Josh ascends the stairs and walks into the master bedroom. The carpets had been replaced since the incident, but if he squinted, Josh swore he could still see blood stains. The room, like much of the house, was completely empty.

“Tyler,” Josh tries again, spinning around in a circle to see if he’s missed him.

“Josh.” He turns around to find Tyler sitting casually in one corner of the room. Josh smiles and ventures over to sit down next to him.

“Hey, how long have you been sitting there?”

“I wasn’t hiding from you, just looking at another part of the house. It’s being sold and I’m more than sure I’ll be alone for a while. Nobody wants to live in a home where someone was brutally murdered.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.” Josh can’t contain his excitement. “I’m buying the house. I’m going to move in here so I can visit you.”

“Really?” Tyler frowns. Josh doesn’t understand. He thought Tyler would be just as excited as he was.

“Yeah, really. I just figured, if you’re stuck here, and nobody else will, then I might as well, right? I don’t own a place in Columbus anyway, so this is great.”

“The purpose of me revealing myself to you was to help you move on. If you’re  _ moving in, _ that’s the complete opposite of moving on.”

“Okay, well what if some random family moved in here? What would you do?”

Tyler shrugs. “I don’t know. I would try not to bother them too much, I guess.”

“You kissed me last night and proved you were real. Now you want me to pretend that never happened? Do you want me to act like you don’t exist? Tyler, you’re  _ dead. _ This is the only way I can still see you.”

“I don’t want to be stuck here forever,” Tyler fires back, “I’d like to go to heaven, or something. Whatever the afterlife is. I don’t want to be stuck in the house I was murdered in for the rest of eternity.”

“I said I would join you,” Josh says calmly, despite his clenched fists. “I said I didn’t want to live in a world without you. I was going to buy this house and move in so you wouldn’t be lonely.”

“No, you were going to buy the house because you wanted to see me. You’re doing it for selfish reasons, Josh. This isn’t who you are.”

Josh shakes his head. “I don’t understand. First, you say one thing, and then you do a complete one-eighty. I don’t get it. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to go back to how life was before the accident,” Tyler looks at him with sympathy. It makes Josh angrier. “I want you to get back into music, to play the drums, to collaborate with people. I want you to be happy, and take care of yourself, maybe even get into a relationship.”

“Then let me buy this house,” he’s pleading now, and feeling a bit ridiculous about it. “Just knowing you’re around is all I need. You don’t even need to show yourself. I’ll play my drums, if you’ll listen. I’ll shower, and cut my hair and shave my beard if you’re there with me. I’ll go out and be social, I’ll visit Mark, and my family--”

“Okay,” Tyler gives in. “Okay, you can buy the house. But please don’t spend all your time here. You have to promise me you’ll start moving on.”

“Yes,” Josh nods. “Yes, I promise.”

“Okay then,” Tyler smiles. “Come here.” He beckons with a finger, and Josh scoots closer. Tyler rests his hands on Josh’s shoulders and squeezes them lightly. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes, please,” Josh scoots even closer so he’s practically sitting in Tyler’s lap and presses his lips against his best friend’s. Tyler’s hands slide under Josh’s t-shirt, and they’re cold, light, his fingers trailing over Josh’s ribcage. Josh parts his lips a little, letting Tyler deepen the kiss. Josh is getting hard. He can’t even remember the last time he got off.

Tyler pulls away, leaving Josh panting. He’s not even out of breath, not even sweating, not even anything. It makes sense, considering he’s dead and whatnot, but Josh feels a bit pathetic to be the only one who needs catching up.

Tyler’s hands wander down to the waistband of Josh’s sweats. He sees the bulge just as clearly as Josh feels it. “Have you touched yourself in a while?”

“No,” Josh admits.

“Can I do it for you?” There’s arousal in his voice. Josh nods, feels himself getting lightheaded as Tyler tugs down his sweats and boxers to his mid-thigh, exposing his flushed cock. Tyler smiles and tells Josh to close his eyes. “I’m gonna make you feel good.”

Josh listens. Tyler’s hands are cool, but still feathery light. Josh wonders if they would feel different if Tyler was still alive.

There’s something unworldly about this moment. Josh knows why, but he lets himself think it’s because there’s just this blatant, obvious connection between the two of them. They had always been in sync. They had always been together, always knew what was going on, could tell when something was wrong. This is no different. Tyler knows exactly what Josh needs and gives it to him without request.

“I’m in love with you still,” Tyler murmurs after Josh has reached his climax. He had used his shirt to clean up Josh’s come. “I’ve actually never truly stopped loving you.”

“I love you too,” Josh squeezes Tyler’s hand. “I’m  _ in _ love with you.” He knows how bad that sounds, to be in love with a dead man, but Josh can’t help it. He won’t be able to be in a relationship because he loves Tyler.

“I think you’re right. I think you moving in will be good for the both of us.”

Josh grins. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

-

_ Tyler is back. I'm not quite sure how, but he is. I guess he's a ghost, or spirit, whatever. For the first time in seven months, I'm happy. I'm confused, but I'm happy. I don't really know what will happen, but I'm looking forward to the future. He's still Tyler, whether dead or alive. He loves me, and I love him. We take care of each other.  _

_ He's the reason I visit my family. He's the reason I can talk to Mark, and Jenna, and all my other friends. He's the reason I get dressed in the morning, the reason I shower, the reason I leave home. He's my everything.  _

Josh smiles as he reviews his most recent journal entry. Although he didn't see Dr. Weech anymore, he still continued to write. It definitely helped him take on life.

A month had passed since Josh had bought the house from Jenna and moved in. She had been extremely thankful, completely unaware what Josh’s intentions were. Nobody actually knew Josh’s real intentions of purchasing the house. His friends and family assumed Josh had done it to have his own place in Ohio, or to be closer to Tyler’s grave.

Tyler really only stayed hidden when Josh had people over. Besides that, he was visible, spending every little bit of time with Josh that he could squeeze in. He’d sit on the edge of the bathtub as Josh shaved, watched Josh change, would help him make dinner. They’d curl up in bed and watch movies together, taking breaks to make out every once in awhile. Josh couldn’t even remember the last time he had felt happy.

“Writing?” Tyler appears behind him, causing Josh to jump a little. 

“You scared me,” Josh laughs as he calms his racing heart. Tyler smiles sheepishly.

“Sorry. I was just wondering if you were writing.”

“Oh, yeah. Just journaling. My old therapist said it would be good for me.”

“So you’re still seeing someone then?” Tyler clarifies, sitting down in the chair next to Josh. Josh nods.

“Yeah. It’s better for me.”

“Have you told them about...” Tyler points to himself, causing Josh to frown.

“I haven’t brought it up. Didn’t you say you wanted me to tell no one about you?”

“Well,” Tyler shrugs, “They’re your therapist. They might be able to help you get on track about things.”

“Get on track for what? I’ve done that myself, haven’t I?” he gestures around the room. “I’m playing drums again, going out for coffee, talking to my family. I think that’s getting on track.”

“Yeah, it is. And you’ve done a very good job. I’m just saying--” Tyler gets interrupted by the doorbell. They share a look before Josh sighs and stands up to answer it.

“I’ll be quick,” he promises.

“You know where to find me.” Tyler disappears, and Josh goes to answer the door. It’s Mark.

“Hey dude, I was in the neighborhood, thought I’d drop by. Do you have someone over already? I heard you guys talking.”

“Oh, uh, nope. I was watching a video.”

“Really? Because it sort of looked like you were having a conversation with yourself.”

Josh furrows his brows. “Did you come over just to harass me, Mark?”

“No! I’m sorry. I just, it’s still a bit surreal for me that we’re interacting again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy, but part of me feels like you are going to retreat back into hiding.”

“You think I’d do that?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you have to agree that you’re pretty unpredictable, right? I’m not trying to be rude, man, but I’m honestly just afraid I’ll lose you again.”

“You won’t lose me, I promise. I’m here to stay this time.” Josh flashes a convincing smile. “You want to go get lunch or something?”

“Yeah! That would be fun.”

“Cool. You can come in, I just need a few seconds to get ready and stuff.”

“Sure,” Mark nods, and Josh invites him in. He sits down on the sofa while Josh jogs upstairs to grab his wallet and keys. Tyler is sitting on the bed when Josh enters the bedroom.

“So... you’re going out with Mark?”

“Yea, we’re gonna go get some food.”

“I thought we were going to watch a movie.” Tyler looks heartbroken, and a pang of guilt rushes through Josh.

“We still can, Mark just stopped by so I thought we would catch up. That’s what you wanted me to do, right? Go out with people and stop being mopey?”

“Right, right.” Tyler nods, and a second later, he’s gone. Josh stands still, looking at the spot where Tyler once sat. Was Tyler upset at him for going out? Did Tyler get mad  _ every  _ time Josh left the house?

Josh feels bad now, bad for leaving Tyler alone. He knows how terrified Tyler is of being alone for eternity.

“Tyler?” He calls out, “I love you.”

He gets a text.  _ I love you too.  _

-

A few days later, Josh goes to his therapy appointment. They aren't as frequent as they use to be, just because Josh is actually starting to live life again. His new therapist, Dr. Sanders, is a blonde man who looks much younger than he actually is and has a very soothing voice. Josh thinks back to what Tyler had said the other day about telling Dr. Sanders about him. Josh wants to, but he knows how his therapist will react.  _ Josh, you're crazy. _

Josh settles down in the recliner and crosses his legs. Dr. Sanders flashes him a smile. “How have you been, Josh?”

“Very well, actually. I have some news to share with you.” Josh smiles back. He has proof Tyler is real. He can show the tweets, and the texts, and the call logs. There is no reason for him to be worried.

“Ahh, really? Is it good news?”

“Yes! I'm uh,” he takes a deep breath, “in a relationship.”

“Oh Josh, that is wonderful news! Have you mentioned this person before?”

“Actually, yes. It's, Uhm, it’s...” Josh lowers his voice and mumbles, “Tyler.”

“Tyler?” Dr. Sanders raises an eyebrow. “As in, your friend Tyler who passed away?”

“Yes, and I know how crazy I sound, but listen, he’s still around, as some sort of apparition. He’s stuck in the house.”

“The house he was killed in?”

Josh nods. “Yes. He can’t leave, so that’s why I moved in. I’m there to provide him company, and then he admitted he was in love with me, so I guess now, we’re dating.”

Dr. Sanders stares at him curiously. “Have the two of you... kissed?”

“Yes. We’ve gone farther than that, actually.” His cheeks flush.

“Oh.” He scribbles down some notes. Josh’s leg shakes anxiously. “And this relationship with... Tyler, is making you happy?”

“Very happy. It’s like he never left my life. Actually, it might even be better, because now we’re together, and I get him all to myself.”

“What about his wife?”

“Well, this was something I was worried about at first too, but Tyler made a really great point. She’s technically a widow now, right? So she’ll start dating again. Jenna is much stronger than me. She’s already moved on and stuff, so me dating Tyler isn’t actually, like, that bad.”

“Is this how you really feel, or are you just trying to justify your actions?”

“It’s how I feel. I really do love him. I loved him when he was still alive. You have to understand, sir, that Tyler and I spent almost all of our time together. We toured so much that personal space really wasn’t a thing between the two of us. I’ve seen him naked, he’s seen me naked, we knew everything about each other.”

“Josh, I mean this in the most helpful way possible, because I truly do care about your well being, but I think we should look into increasing your medicine or changing to a different kind.”

Josh frowns. “Why? I’m doing fine.”

“Have you ever considered that Tyler might be the equivalent of a young child’s imaginary friend? They often appear after trauma, and this was quite a traumatic event for you. He might be an extension of your mind, helping you to cope with Tyler’s death--”

“Absolutely not!” Josh stands up, his voice rising in hysteria. “I swear to God that he’s real. I thought at first he wasn’t, but he provided me with proof. He’s sent me texts, he’s tweeted on my behalf, he’s called me. I have proof.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and pulls up his call log, only to discover there are no calls from any unknown numbers. Next, he goes to his text messages. Nothing. The only thing he has is the screenshot of the tweet from the band account that read,  _ I promise I’m real. _

“Here, look.” Josh hands his phone to Dr. Sanders, who studies it with his lips pressed tight.

“Do you have access to the band account?”

“Well, yeah, but--”

He hands Josh’s phone back and sighs. “Josh, I want to believe you. I do. But ghosts, spirits, apparitions-- they just aren’t real.”

“You don’t know that!” Josh points a finger at Dr. Sanders angrily. “People die every day! Who’s to say they aren’t real?”

“Exactly. People die every day, and unfortunately, your friend was one of them. I know how much you want him back, Josh. We all wish for our loved ones to come back, but that doesn’t happen. It  _ can’t _ happen. It defeats the purpose of life and death.”

“You’re wrong. Tyler is real. I know he is. Who else would be making noise in the house? Who else would be talking to me? I can’t, I’m not skilled enough to completely make up a version of Tyler to comfort me, that’s insane!”

“Our minds are stronger than we think. I’m going to send in a request for a prescription change.”

“I don’t need a different kind of medicine! I’m fine!”

“Josh, please--”

“You know what? Fuck you.” Josh gathers his bag and storms out of the office. Tears start running down his cheeks as he drives back home.

Back to Tyler.

He  _ knows _ Tyler is real. Josh couldn’t make up ghost Tyler on his own. He wouldn’t be doing things on Tyler’s behalf and not remembering them. That just wasn’t Josh.

When he gets home, Tyler is sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing. Josh drapes his jacket over the back of a chair and drops down into it. He looks at Tyler quizzically.

“How was your appointment?”

“He said you weren’t real.” Tears are still falling.

“Oh, you told him?” Tyler glances over, that dead stare still in his eye. Josh nods.

“He said I made you up.”

A laugh. “How could you have made me up, J? I’m the one who revealed myself to you. Nobody else has even seen me.”

Josh shakes his head. “Could you show yourself to others? Not just me?”

“I suppose, but I have no need.”

“Can you appear to one person but not to another?”

“No.”

Josh thinks about it. Thinks about how Mark said he was having a conversation with himself. “Why don’t you show yourself to Mark?”

“Mark’s moved on.”

“I’ve moved on too!” Josh about yells, balling his hands into fists at his sides. Tyler’s face softens.

“You’ve moved on, huh? Well, I guess I have no need to be here anymore then.”

“Tyler, wait, no--” Josh lunges for Tyler right as Tyler disappears. Josh is left standing alone in the living room, fire fueling his emotions. He’s a rocket, blasting into space, exploding into pieces. Josh has a full on mental breakdown. He slams his fists into the wall, destroys the living room, cracks his television screen. Josh drops to his knees and sobs into his hands.

Maybe Tyler isn’t real. Maybe he really is insane.

“Come back,” he whispers hoarsely, “please. I need you.”

Tyler doesn’t return.

-

Jenna is still at her parent's house. Josh stays with them that night.

He hasn’t stopped shaking. Jenna doesn’t ask questions, but she makes sure Josh is taken care of. She pours him a cup of coffee, drapes a fluffy blanket across his shoulders, presses a kiss to his cheek and sits down across the table from him.

“Hey, bud. How you feeling?”

Josh has been staring at this weird stain on the table for almost ten minutes now. His coffee sits untouched and he can’t bring himself to move, not even to wiggle his fingers or change his sitting position. “Jenna, I think I’m insane.”

Jenna’s brows furrow. “Why’s that?”

“I still see Tyler.”

Her expression mellows and she stands up to give Josh a big hug. “Oh, Joshie. I’m so sorry.”

“He-- for the longest time, I thought he was just a ghost. I thought he was stuck in this realm, bound to the house, unable to go to the afterlife. And for the first time, I’m having doubts.”

“Do you think he’s real?”

Josh shrugs. “I don’t know anymore.”

Jenna sighs as she slides down into the chair right next to Josh. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and folds her arms. “I think that if Tyler was still around, you know, and stuck in that house, he’d want others to see him. He’d want me to see him, and his family to see him, and--”

“He said he tried to show himself to you too, but you didn’t let yourself believe he was real. You told me you saw him too, saw him walking around the house--”

“I didn’t mean literally, Josh. I meant I could picture him still here. You’re trying to claim his spirit is wandering the halls of our old...” Realization seems to hit Jenna smack in the face. “Home. Josh, did you buy that house from me because you wanted to be around Tyler?”

Josh nods guiltily, almost like a little kid who had done wrong. He can feel tears burning at the corners of his eyes. “I love him. I love him so much.”

She touches his hand out of comfort. “I know. I love him too.”

“I thought I was moving on, because he was still around, but if I really did make him up as some sort of coping mechanism, then maybe there really is something wrong with me. Maybe the trauma got to me and I’m crazy.”

“You aren’t crazy for wanting Tyler to still be around. I know it’s difficult, but we all have different ways of coping with grief. I’m here for you, Josh. If you need someone to talk to, or someone to listen, I’m right here.”

Josh scoffs. Tears finally slip over his eyelids. “I was doing things, pretending it was him.”

“The tweet,” Jenna whispers.

“The tweet,” repeats Josh. He feels betrayed by his own consciousness. 

He feels like he can no longer trust his mind, trust his thoughts, trust his actions.

“I thought I moved on. I thought I was happy.”

“You still can be. Tyler can still be with you, he just won’t be there physically.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I know.” This time, Josh reaches for Jenna. She holds him. She keeps him safe. “I know.”

-

Jenna and Mark bring friends to help Josh pack up his belongings. He’s moving back to Los Angeles.

Josh doesn’t think he’s running away, per say, but mostly looking for a fresh start. He hasn’t seen Tyler since the day he disappeared. There were no texts, no phone calls, no direct messages, no tweets. No kissing, no hand holding, no movies, no sex.

Josh was once again completely alone. 

He stands at the top of the staircase, staring down the hallway where he often imagined Tyler wandering from room to room. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“You didn’t deserve it, Ty,” he starts off, his voice wavering. “You had fought tooth and nail to stay alive only to be killed by someone else. It’s not fair. I think everyone would agree with that. I’m hoping though, that now, you’re some place better. There, I hope you can still play shows, and write music, and share your stories. I hope you’re with the greats. I hope, wherever you are, that you are  _ happy.” _

When Josh opens his eyes, Tyler is standing right in front of him. He’s more transparent now, and difficult to see. Josh assumes that’s because he knows now that Tyler was nothing more than his imaginary friend.

“I’m happy, J. I need you to be happy too, okay?”

Josh nods, a sad smile rising to his lips. “I will. Someday, I will.”

“Thataboy.” Tyler raises his ghostly hand to cup Josh’s cheek. Josh allows a single tear to escape as he closes his eyes again and feels Tyler's lips on his.

This time, when he opens them, Tyler is gone.

-

That night, Josh stays in a hotel. Tomorrow morning, he flies back to Los Angeles, back to his apartment, back to the city of angels where he knows Tyler is watching him. He’s going to try to do better this time.

It’s nearing midnight when he gets a text message. His eyelids drooping with sleep, Josh blindly reaches for his cell phone and pulls it towards him.

_ You’ve got this, J. _

He doesn’t recognize the number, but assumes there’s still a part of him that is merely imagining the messages. With a smile, Josh rolls over and goes to sleep.

-

Five miles away, in the master bedroom of an empty home, a brown-haired boy with black banded tattoos sits cross-legged on the carpet smiling ear to ear.

He knows his best friend can get through anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Would Tyler sacrifice company for the happiness of his best friend? I think so.


End file.
